whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
