I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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