I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
