I'm so fucking centered right now
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
