Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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