So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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