Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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