im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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