Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
