Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
