I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
