Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize