I wish I could teleport
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
