Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
