someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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