Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
