dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
