I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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