You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
