If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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