do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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