My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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