Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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