Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
