Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Randomize
