Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
