My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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