Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
