My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
