"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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