You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
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