i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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