Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just had sex bonerless
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
