we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize