Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
