so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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