My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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