Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
