highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
