So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
