I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
