She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
