i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
