I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
