shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Two words: blizzard sex
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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