Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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