I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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