I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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