idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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