Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
