I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
