You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
