yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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