Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
vagina is talking i cant
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
