he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Even my vagina gasped.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
