I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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