you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
