one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So vagazzling was a success
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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