A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Randomize
