Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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